a-muse-ing

First I want to say that it is highly unusual that I would be writing about saliva. I can’t even watch someone brush their teeth without gagging. I survived through the drooling stage with my children. It isn’t so bad when they are babies:however, I must admit I can’t even handle other babies drooling. This and a million other reasons explain why I don’t run a daycare center.

So, I don’t get it. I don’t understand this spitting thing some boys and men get into. What is it? The other day this guy was sitting on a bench outside on his cell phone, and he had to spit every other minute–the between-the-teeth type of spittting. This type of spitting is apparently the coolest type. I only know this because those who spit this way also have a cool walk. This is much different than the chewing tobacco type of spit. The chewing tobacco spit is more to the side of the mouth. I know this because I grew up in an aggie town in California. It is also to be contrasted with the gutteral spit used to eject mucous. That spit is usually a bit deeper into the throat. Of course there is also the spit that ejects 50 yards out of the mouth when either talking excitedly or trying to master a difficult language.

So, now that we have determined what kind of spit it wasn’t, can someone please tell me what the infatuation is with this between-the-teeth slaver projection? Is it a sport? Is there training involved? Or is it more of a hobby, like gardening and woodworking? I have yet to see a woman engage in this sputumic (new word) hobby, but I imagine she would have the skills necessary. Please, if anyone would enlighten me, I would appreciate it.

I was desperate. I scheduled myself to write a post today, and I was completely blank. This I am told it’s called writer’s block. I believe it is called “empty brain”. I have these times when it is obvious that my children took my brain cells with them. This is one of those times. Actually, childbirth kills mothers brain cells. Well, apparently stress can kill brain cells, and I am one of those strange mothers, who thinks that having babies can be a bit stressful.

I went to youtube to find a funny video to post here. I almost posted a video with an elephant burping on it. Yes, I was desperate. I know how high class my readers are so I decided I would forgo the burping elephant, and just ramble on about how I don’t have anything to say.

So, the question is, would you have enjoyed the burping elephant video more?

I am going through a few big changes here in my life,  and thought I would take the time to share them with both of my readers. First of all, if you are a reader that only comes for my wit and humor (then you are always going away unfulfilled–I’m sorry) this post will be a bit of a change…just a bit.

I am in the process of organizing and changing some things. I am going to try to have a blog schedule which is a bit hard for me. My blogging is usually done after I have witnessed something a bit humorous on the side of the road. I can’t schedule those moments of inspiration or road kill. Oh, speaking of road kill. Now, I’m distracted, back to my serious information.

I have just taken a part-time job outside of my home (its inside though). It is a good position, and about as perfect as it can get for a working mom. I will not stop writing, however. I am also starting a correspondence writing course–getting in touch with my childhood-side and will be writing for children. I am still working through what I write best–or if I can write! I see this as a great opportunity to stretch and learn. I will still blog — but, as I said before, I am going to try to have a regular schedule so both of my readers (okay, all 3 of you) will know when to go to a-muse-ing for some fresh insight or stale oversight.

So, starting next week I should have a new post every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday morning. I do reserve the right to change those days at my whim. I will also plan on posting every Feb. 29th during leap year, and every 3rd Saturday following a thunderstorm in Qatar.

I will do my best to bring you the mediocre writing that you have come to endure, and in return I hope for your enduring endearing comments and devotion (okay, just come around once in awhile).

I am also writing for money in my spare time –and I say that loosely — the money part and well the spare time part too. The “stuck” part in my title — well, I’ve been trying to read 100 Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez.  I think it will take me 100 years to finish it. Usually, I fly through books, but this one is slow going for me. It is a fascinating book in that Marquez is an incredibly talented and creative writer, but it is also not an easy read for some reason. Anyway, I will continue to read it and hope to gain some momentum. Has anyone else read it and what did you think?

Well, some interesting things are happening all at once and it is terrifying and exciting at the same time–thanks for listening!

My cell phone rang a few minutes ago. It was my cell phone company (how’d they get my number?) calling to ask me when I was going to pay a bill.

I said “What bill?  I have paid every bill I’ve received.”

She said, “Well, you haven’t paid.”

I said, “I get an email or a cell phone call when I am due to pay. I paid last month, when I got my email. I’m not supposed to pay until this month, and I haven’t gotten any bill in the mail, as a text, as an email or even a knock on the door. “

She said, “Oh, by the way, what is the last 4 digits of your husband’s SS#?”

I rack my brain for the right series of numbers–go through both of our ss#s, our telephone number and my high school locker combination and then tell her.

She then says, “Yeah, that’s right. I need to verify your address but I can only do it with your husband–for privacy issues.” (So, I’m thinking why did I give her the last 4 digits of the ss# only for her to tell me that?)

“But, I’ve seen all of his privates. Really, it’s okay, he won’t mind if we talk about his address.”

“Sorry, I need him to call me and tell me it’s okay.”

I said, “Okay, what if I call back with a deeper voice and tell you that it’s okay to talk to me about our address?”

“No, just get him to call.”

“But, I know where he was born, his mom’s maiden name, his favorite team, and all of his passwords, isn’t that enough?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

According to Discovery.com  scientist have developed a new type of gum that doesn’t stick. Well, it is easily removed from things. The particles also dissolve in water! This is such good news because:

1. I step in gum an average of three times a month
2. Children like to put gum in their hair
3. I sometimes swallow my gum. I don’t mean too — it just happens. I think I have about 73.5 (my sister always cut the gum in half) pieces currently stuck in my intestinal system and will continue to grow for the next 50 years, according to various sources in the 70’s (teachers, parents, siblings). With this new gum I should be able to swallow without guilt!

How does it work you ask? Something about a chain of molecules repeling water in the old gum and now the molecules are doing other things. I think this gum might have zero flavor, and decreased chewablility–but, I’m sure it’s great.