a-muse-ing

There are days when I wonder how I am going to raise my three kids. Okay, those are most of the days in the year. There are days when my oldest son drives me absolutely crazy and I wonder if his mouth stopped moving if he would still breathe. There are days when my daughter is pouting and whining and I wonder where she could possibly have learned this bad habit. There are days when my youngest boy is crying most of the day and I wonder if my head will every stop aching.

These are the things you never think about when you are falling in love with someone. No, you picture picket fences and bruised knees covered in band-aids. You imagine baking banana bread as your children knit scarves by the fire (no that might have been a Jane Austen book).

Parenting is hard most of the time. People are difficult all of the time. Just when you think you will be driven to madness, one of your offspring says something loving or funny, and you remember why you carried that sweet thing through 40 weeks of torture. And you remember why you looked like a beached whale and waddled to the bathroom every 15 minutes. Yes, you know that these dog days will eventually go away, and you will be left with an empty house. In the mean time, you look forward to the minute they are all in bed and Ben & Jerry calls your name from the freezer.

This is part 3 (part 1 & 2)to my Valetine’s Dating Advice–hope it has been helpful

1. Write her a song
2. Cut up pink construction paper into little hearts together
3. Dine at a fast food restaurant with a tablecloth and candles
4. Take her to the theatre to see “Norbit” or “Smokn’ Aces”
5. Go to a Karaoke bar so you can sing her Barry White songs

Part 2 of 3  

1. Fuzzy dice –save that for an anniversary or something
2. Grillz–too many styles to choose from
3. Membership to Weight Watchers–hasta la vista
4. Crest White Strips–can you be more subtle?
5. Glamour Shots Gift Certificate–no, please no!
6. Subscription to “Good Housekeeping”–what are you saying?
7. “Beavis & Butt-head” DVD Collection–she’s probably got them memorized
8. Sweater or sweatshirt with a heart on it–unless she’s over 60 or makes jams for the County Fair

1. Stuffed animal (weird, weird)
2. Heart locket necklace (great if you wanna go steady)
3. “Napoleon Dynamite” talking key-chain (I know you want one)
4. Digital scale (just say goodbye now)
5. Cactus plant(ouch!)
6. “Gigli” DVD (she doesn’t want to be the 10th person to own it)
7. Paris Hilton CD (money can’t buy a voice)
8. Gerbil (nothing says I care like a gerbil)
9. Rainbow socks with the individual toes (unless she’s 12)
10. Engagement ring (slow down, buddy)