President of Country–Job Available Soon

Are you energetic and outgoing? Do you enjoy traveling? We are looking for the right person for our office here in Washington D.C. The following are helpful skills; however, we will consider all candidates with substantial financial support and public following.

  • Must have a strong demeanor—you will be confronted every day of your job
  • Must have a sense of humor—you will be the brunt of every joke
  • Must have strong leadership ability—you will have only enough power to cause chaos
  • Must appear to be a team-player
  • Must be an accomplished double-talker
  • Must be able to change opinions multiple times if necessary
  • Must be available at all times and willing to forgo necessary sleep if needed
  • Foreign language is a plus—any attempts will provide more material for international comic strips and late night talk shows
  • Articulation is optional—mispronunciation assures attention to your message
  • Idealism is a plus but is sure to wane as the job progresses

Great perks–housing provided—including vacation housing. Good benefits. Competitive salary. Apply on television. No phone calls please.

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