Garden War

We moved into our house 23 days ago and we are almost all unpacked — not because of me. I have spent most of my time wrestling weeds and fighting ants in the backyard. It is very similar to what I normally face as a mother so it seemed a good idea.

When we moved in I had great plans for the yard. I had no idea then that it was under the control of the forces of an evil berry bush and half of the ant population. The evil berry bush must be wild blackberry. If the mention of blackberries brings romantic notions of cobblers and pies, just strike that out of your mind. This wild bush is evil, invasive and mean.

A few days after we moved into our home I decided to attack the vicious bush. I hacked at it, pulled, wrestled, wacked, chopped and did everything I could–save bringing out the poison to kill that sucker. Finally after my hard work I could look at my yard and smile — I had defeated the beast. No longer did I see blackberry branches popping up all over the yard. I limped into the house, my leg bleeding from the ripped flesh where the bush thorns had stabbed me.

Four days ago, I went out into the yard to water. I thought I heard something laughing at me behind my back. The bush had come back all over the yard again. It was laughing and mocking me. I hacked at it, but finally decided to send my husband out there with the pick to attack. After a couple of hours, the bush was again gone from the yard. However, the ants had moved in. Cousins, uncles, grandparents the entire ant family with all their neighbors. They had little suitcases and tents in their arms. They had planned to take over where the bush had left off.

I searched on the internet for natural ways to kill ants. The first attempt at murder was with boiling water. I could hear the moans as I scoarched their little bodies. That worked pretty well but they were still fighting back. Next I mixed up a concoction of garlic, soap and water. Ants do not like garlic and they didn’t seem to appreciate their garlic shower and disappeared for a little while. I decided to make my concoction a bit more potent by adding lemon juice, hot sauce, and peppermint oil. I heard the ants scream as I walked toward them with the spray bottle. I sprayed and sprayed all over and again I was the king of the yard. This should last at least a couple of days.

No real ants were harmed in the writing of this story. Any resemblance to any real ant, living or dead is purely coincidental.


6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Luisa
    Jul 24, 2007 @ 15:55:25

    Well, so THAT’s where you’ve been! Fighting Nature, red in tooth and claw.

    But how’s the house?

  2. Diesel
    Jul 25, 2007 @ 09:05:34

    The blackberry bush sounds almost as bad as my goat heads. Actually, not even close. But it does sound bad. I have the Monsanto corporation mix up my poisons for me. They’re the experts.

  3. Ask Lucid
    Jul 25, 2007 @ 09:58:43

    OMG you are so funny!!! I definitely had a visual with that one. You are the protector of your castle, so whatever it takes to keep it safe and sound….

    Thanks for the giggle!

  4. tobeme
    Jul 25, 2007 @ 12:43:30

    Big human against tiny ants, hmmm. Hope you don’t run into any larger varmints.

  5. Brent
    Jul 25, 2007 @ 18:06:20

    Berry vines are a true and pure evil, straight out of the movie Sleeping Beauty.

    I recommend contacting with a local prince charming type to handle the noxious weed. You could get double duty out of him him if he would ride in on an anteater.

    P.S. I am going to declare a tie between goatheads and berry vines. The vines are worse up close, but they don’t usually stow away into your house either.

    For what it’s worth.

  6. rjlight
    Jul 25, 2007 @ 19:20:02

    Luisa — the house is great, starting to feel like home
    Diesel — you don’t understand it is SO BAD

    AskLucid — I’m trying to run this castle — I must find the dragon to help me

    tobeme — hmm, are you mocking me?

    Brent — My husband has been fighting it for me, but he can stay on the anteater it keeps bucking him off.

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