Spittle

First I want to say that it is highly unusual that I would be writing about saliva. I can’t even watch someone brush their teeth without gagging. I survived through the drooling stage with my children. It isn’t so bad when they are babies:however, I must admit I can’t even handle other babies drooling. This and a million other reasons explain why I don’t run a daycare center.

So, I don’t get it. I don’t understand this spitting thing some boys and men get into. What is it? The other day this guy was sitting on a bench outside on his cell phone, and he had to spit every other minute–the between-the-teeth type of spittting. This type of spitting is apparently the coolest type. I only know this because those who spit this way also have a cool walk. This is much different than the chewing tobacco type of spit. The chewing tobacco spit is more to the side of the mouth. I know this because I grew up in an aggie town in California. It is also to be contrasted with the gutteral spit used to eject mucous. That spit is usually a bit deeper into the throat. Of course there is also the spit that ejects 50 yards out of the mouth when either talking excitedly or trying to master a difficult language.

So, now that we have determined what kind of spit it wasn’t, can someone please tell me what the infatuation is with this between-the-teeth slaver projection? Is it a sport? Is there training involved? Or is it more of a hobby, like gardening and woodworking? I have yet to see a woman engage in this sputumic (new word) hobby, but I imagine she would have the skills necessary. Please, if anyone would enlighten me, I would appreciate it.

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Burping elephants

I was desperate. I scheduled myself to write a post today, and I was completely blank. This I am told it’s called writer’s block. I believe it is called “empty brain”. I have these times when it is obvious that my children took my brain cells with them. This is one of those times. Actually, childbirth kills mothers brain cells. Well, apparently stress can kill brain cells, and I am one of those strange mothers, who thinks that having babies can be a bit stressful.

I went to youtube to find a funny video to post here. I almost posted a video with an elephant burping on it. Yes, I was desperate. I know how high class my readers are so I decided I would forgo the burping elephant, and just ramble on about how I don’t have anything to say.

So, the question is, would you have enjoyed the burping elephant video more?

I’m stuck and changing

I am going through a few big changes here in my life,  and thought I would take the time to share them with both of my readers. First of all, if you are a reader that only comes for my wit and humor (then you are always going away unfulfilled–I’m sorry) this post will be a bit of a change…just a bit.

I am in the process of organizing and changing some things. I am going to try to have a blog schedule which is a bit hard for me. My blogging is usually done after I have witnessed something a bit humorous on the side of the road. I can’t schedule those moments of inspiration or road kill. Oh, speaking of road kill. Now, I’m distracted, back to my serious information.

I have just taken a part-time job outside of my home (its inside though). It is a good position, and about as perfect as it can get for a working mom. I will not stop writing, however. I am also starting a correspondence writing course–getting in touch with my childhood-side and will be writing for children. I am still working through what I write best–or if I can write! I see this as a great opportunity to stretch and learn. I will still blog — but, as I said before, I am going to try to have a regular schedule so both of my readers (okay, all 3 of you) will know when to go to a-muse-ing for some fresh insight or stale oversight.

So, starting next week I should have a new post every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday morning. I do reserve the right to change those days at my whim. I will also plan on posting every Feb. 29th during leap year, and every 3rd Saturday following a thunderstorm in Qatar.

I will do my best to bring you the mediocre writing that you have come to endure, and in return I hope for your enduring endearing comments and devotion (okay, just come around once in awhile).

I am also writing for money in my spare time –and I say that loosely — the money part and well the spare time part too. The “stuck” part in my title — well, I’ve been trying to read 100 Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez.  I think it will take me 100 years to finish it. Usually, I fly through books, but this one is slow going for me. It is a fascinating book in that Marquez is an incredibly talented and creative writer, but it is also not an easy read for some reason. Anyway, I will continue to read it and hope to gain some momentum. Has anyone else read it and what did you think?

Well, some interesting things are happening all at once and it is terrifying and exciting at the same time–thanks for listening!

This privacy thing

My cell phone rang a few minutes ago. It was my cell phone company (how’d they get my number?) calling to ask me when I was going to pay a bill.

I said “What bill?  I have paid every bill I’ve received.”

She said, “Well, you haven’t paid.”

I said, “I get an email or a cell phone call when I am due to pay. I paid last month, when I got my email. I’m not supposed to pay until this month, and I haven’t gotten any bill in the mail, as a text, as an email or even a knock on the door. ”

She said, “Oh, by the way, what is the last 4 digits of your husband’s SS#?”

I rack my brain for the right series of numbers–go through both of our ss#s, our telephone number and my high school locker combination and then tell her.

She then says, “Yeah, that’s right. I need to verify your address but I can only do it with your husband–for privacy issues.” (So, I’m thinking why did I give her the last 4 digits of the ss# only for her to tell me that?)

“But, I’ve seen all of his privates. Really, it’s okay, he won’t mind if we talk about his address.”

“Sorry, I need him to call me and tell me it’s okay.”

I said, “Okay, what if I call back with a deeper voice and tell you that it’s okay to talk to me about our address?”

“No, just get him to call.”

“But, I know where he was born, his mom’s maiden name, his favorite team, and all of his passwords, isn’t that enough?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

Finally something to make my life easier

According to Discovery.com  scientist have developed a new type of gum that doesn’t stick. Well, it is easily removed from things. The particles also dissolve in water! This is such good news because:

  1. I step in gum an average of three times a month
  2. Children like to put gum in their hair
  3. I sometimes swallow my gum. I don’t mean too — it just happens. I think I have about 73.5 (my sister always cut the gum in half) pieces currently stuck in my intestinal system and will continue to grow for the next 50 years, according to various sources in the 70’s (teachers, parents, siblings). With this new gum I should be able to swallow without guilt!

How does it work you ask? Something about a chain of molecules repeling water in the old gum and now the molecules are doing other things. I think this gum might have zero flavor, and decreased chewablility–but, I’m sure it’s great.

While I was sleeping

The subconscious is an interesting thing. I try to take the time to understand it; however, when I am in the subconscious I am not in a conscious state to evaluate it. Okay, I just lost more value in my blog with that last statement.

I wake up with songs in my head every morning which makes me believe that my dreams are more like music videos. Of course they must be very strange music videos. Last night in one dream I was chasing a little toy truck down the street that changed into a dirty diaper. I woke up with “A Horse With No Name” by America stuck in my head. I have actually had that song stuck in my head for a week now. I have no idea why it’s in my dreams nor do I understand that song in the least bit.

If you click on the link above it’s a forum about what the song means. Many think it is about heroin–the horse is heroin. I think you would need to be on heroin to understand the song, but there are many songs like that. I also think that maybe the inspiration for this song was actually a well-known old “patriotic” song. Let’s analyze “Yankle Doodle” a bit:

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony (now, how small was this man that he could ride on a pony? And did this pony have a name?)

Stuck a feather in his hat and called it macaroni (did he call his hat macaroni or the feather macaroni? I could understand how a hat might look a bit like macaroni, but a feather? No, a feather would look more like fucilli.)

Fusilli

Yankee Doodle keep it up (keep what up? naming his clothing after pasta?)

Yankee Doodle dandy (Okay “dandy” is a man who gives exaggerated attention to his appearance–according to the Merriam Webster online dictionary. So to bring this into today’s vernacular, Yankee Doodle was metrosexual.)

Mind the Music and the step and with the girls be handy (how is he minding the music and the step when he’s riding a pony? And after that last phrase, I don’t want this guy anywhere near my daughter.)

Let me summarize the obvious connection that a “Horse With No Name” and “Yankee Doodle” have:

  1. One is on a horse with no name and the other is riding a pony that is obviously nameless as well–but that feather is named.
  2. Both writers must have used drugs when writing the lyrics
  3. You must be on drugs to understand the lyrics
  4. Do you need more evidence?

Value of Blog

I went to this website where they tell you how much your blog is supposedly worth. So, I put in my address and then hit submit. I got an error, and that’s when I realized I needed to put in my website address. Anyway, this is what I got:


My blog is worth $32,178.78.
How much is your blog worth?

Now I don’t know how they figure these things out, but they can’t be right. So I took the number of blogs I have written divided by the number of comments and multiplied it by the square root of 5 and then divided that by the number of days in the year. Then I multiplied that number by my favorite number, 15 and took that number and divided it by the square number of hits and I came up with my blog being worth $2.13.  I think that is a more accurate figure. Wow what a sobering thought to think my writing is not even worth a pint of ice cream — I might have some change in the bottom of my purse to add to it though. Any bidders?

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