Four Eyes

When I was in 8th grade I had to get glasses. Apparently most people could see the leaves on the trees, but I couldn’t. My mom and older siblings said it was because I had watched too much television. They said the last 3 kids watched more television than the first 5 kids, and they were the only ones who needed glasses; therefore, it was the result of watching too much television. I’m not so sure if I agree with this theory. It might explain why we’re stupid, but I don’t know if it has anything to do with nearsightedness.

Glasses in the 80’s were hideous. No one wore glasses as an accessory, they were big and ugly. I wore my glasses for about a week and then begged my mom to let me try contact lenses. She eventually relented, and I could see the leaves again.

I wore contact lenses ever since then. I’ve had moments when I needed to weare my glasses, but for the most part I only wore them at home. A few months ago I got some new glasses. For the first time I actually like my glasses,  and wear them when I want to look smart. I think I’m wearing them in my “About” page. I wanted to look like a writer and thought the glasses helped.

Now you know why I sometimes wear my glasses. So, you ask, why don’t you wear them all of the time? Well, I’m glad you asked.

  1. Shower shaving. You can’t wear glasses in the shower, so when I’m wearing my glasses I have to shave blind. Do you know how scary it is searching for your limbs with a sharp instrument?
  2. Sunshine. I get headaches very quickly from the bright glare of the sun and must wear sunglasses. I didn’t pay for the prescription sunglasses so I put my sunglasses on top of my glasses–very attractive. It’s not that big of a deal when I’m driving in my car, but when I forget and go into a store wearing 2 pairs of glasses people look at me.
  3. Morning. I hate waking up in the morning and not being able to see the alarm clock. I try to squint, but that only brings the wall slightly into focus and increases wrinkles. So I have to search for my glasses and knock everything off of my table just to find out that I have 10 more minutes of silence.
  4. Baking. Have you ever opened a hot oven with glasses on? Here you are with 400 degrees blowing in your face and you can’t see to get out grandma’s winning struddle.
  5. Vanity. Yes, I think I am prettier without them and well, I’m afraid of getting called four-eyes.

There are some days that I try to give people the impression that I have a brain and put on my glasses. I have learned not to shave on those days to avoid having to sop up any blood.


7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Theresa
    Oct 03, 2007 @ 03:41:23

    I am wearing my glasses at this very moment. I remember the 80’s glasses, they were truly hideous. I now wear my contacts whenever I go out, and most of the time I’m at home, because it’s so much more comfortable. Besides, I do look so much better, and even if nobody is going to see me, I still might catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I shave without glasses and somehow miraculously avoid cutting myself (now knocking on wood). 🙂

  2. Debbie
    Oct 03, 2007 @ 08:02:19

    80’s glasses paired with 80’s hair. Wow, we were truly hideous.

  3. Grundir the Implacable
    Oct 04, 2007 @ 07:29:17

    I have perfect vision. I can see into your soul.

    Not really, but I do have excellent eyesight.

  4. tobeme
    Oct 04, 2007 @ 11:24:35

    All good reasons, “two eyes”!~

  5. Luisa
    Oct 05, 2007 @ 07:15:47

    I think you look both stylish and gorgeous in your new glasses. I’ve always wanted glasses.

  6. Randy & Priscilla
    Oct 05, 2007 @ 10:44:20

    Ok I am laughing hysterically about the shower!Never have I pondered what you people go through. I thought I had it hard not being able to hold a bar of soap in the shower then to try to “catch” it after I dropped it. good luck on that one. many thanks for bodywash then huh?

  7. Jenna
    Oct 10, 2007 @ 20:07:34

    Girl, you never fail to crack me up. I like your glasses too. Very much. You look like an incredibly smart, and RICH writer.

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