Help Wanted Interpreted

In the spirit of my job postings I thought I would give everyone an explanation of some help wanted vocabulary. Sometimes it can get confusing out there and the employers can be rather tricky. So following is a list of common job terms and phrases with their corresponding definitions:

  1. “Must be flexible” although you would think this was referring to an advance yoga pose, it actually means something almost contradictory. It means there will be no yoga, there will be no family, fun or ping pong anymore, you will sacrifice all for the sake of this company.
  2. “No experience necessary” means a monkey could do this job and you will be paid in bananas.
  3. “Promotions Manager” this job is the title given to the people who hand out the free samples at Cosco.
  4. “Please send you salary history” = we won’t pay you more than we have to
  5. “Rewarding job” is a job that will make you feel great about yourself, but won’t pay but 1/4 of the bills.
  6. “Intern” = we really need someone to do all the grunt work for us, but we don’t want to pay anything.
  7. “Event Team Leaders” are the people at the Fairs that hand out the free samples.
  8. “Internet Ninja” = we are a start-up, expect to work hard, but don’t expect to get paid
  9. “Filing clerk” = filing clerk
  10. “Salary Dependent Upon Experience”= see number 4. above
  11. “Call Center Sales” means that people all over will be hanging up on you and calling you horrible names.
  12. “Call Center Lead” not only will people all over the world hate you but your co-workers will too!

I am sure there are many I’ve missed. If you would like to add more please send a résumé or CV along with a cover letter, 3 references, your blood type and 1,000 word paper explaining why you would be perfect for the position of adding more job descriptions, and I will respond to you in about 3 months if I feel like it.

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Job Experience — Part IV

Technically, I did have a few jobs at college before this one, however, they weren’t interesting (of course that hasn’t stopped me before). It would be hard to classify them as actually “paying” jobs anyway. The college I went to was much funnier. I was at a very strict southern school that forbid me to even wear pants to class. I won’t list all of the other rules — I only have so much space on this blog.

So to my exciting 4th job. After my Freshman year of College I went back to my small home town in California to make some money. I ended up with a job on an assembly line putting together parts of detonators. Yes, this peace-loving mama was working with explosives.

 Now, before this job my idea of working an assembly line was the episode #39 of  I Love Lucy where Lucy and Ethel are on a chocolate (they were actually at the See’s candy factory — best chocolate in the world) assembly line shoving chocolates in their mouths to keep up with the speed of the belt. My experience was a bit different.

I started at the very beginning of the assembly line counting pellets to put in a little plastic container. Eight hours a day I picked up a container and counted one pellet, then two pellets, then three pellets. That was my job.

After about a week, I got promoted to the end of the line at the quality control position. I had to then assure that each container had three pellets, some explosive power and the lid sealed on.  It was a bit more challenging as I had not only the three pellets to count, but I also had to check to make sure the powder was in and it was sealed properly.

Towards the end of the summer, most of the original team had quit. I toughed it out and even got moved off the assembly line to a special room where I had to paint this tiny little tip about the size of the top of a pin with explosive paint. This job required us to be in a very cold room. If at any time the temperature reached too high a level we had to leave the room for our safety–I’m not exaggerating!

Lessons learned from making explosives:

  • Monday mornings no one shows up for work at an assembly line because they are still drunk from the weekend
  • When you need money badly enough you can put up with quite a bit
  • It is important to clean explosive powder spills quickly

  Perks of the job:

  • When there was an explosion we got the afternoon off

Would I do this job again?

Oh, wow, tough one–hmm, what was worse giving birth to a 10+ lb baby in a foreign country or going to that job day after day after day?

Job Experience — Part I

I am going to start a series of posts about my former jobs. My nephew (who is only 4 years younger) likes to tease me about the different jobs I’ve held. I mentioned in another post my police academy ambition. Now, I will actually share some lessons learned and moments from my eclectic job life–because I think I’m a celebrity and you would like to know these things.

My first paying job was a typical first job — babysitting. Since I am the youngest of eight kids, I was the babysitter for many of my nieces and nephews. I actually started babysitting when I was in the 5th grade. I can’t imagine my oldest son babysitting right now. I was either more mature than that average 5th grader, or my sister was desperate to get out of the house.

As I got a bit older I started to babysit for other people as well. Now with my three kids, I wish I was around to babysit my kids now. That was confusing. My point being–I would like to have a dependable babysitter for my kids now at the rate I got paid. I was paid 50 cents per kid per hour. Now, babysitters charge about $10 an hour for one child!

Lessons learned from babysitter positions:

  • When a pea gets stuck in a child’s nose, don’t panic, just hand them a tissue and tell them to blow real hard
  • It is easy to get a kid to laugh, but difficult to get them to stop laughing
  • Kids always puke on hard-to-wash surfaces

  Perks of the job:

  • Jello Pudding Pops — not in stores anymore 
  • Popcorn
  • Pizza
  • Water skiing lessons
  • Jet ski rides

Would I do this job again?

Not for 50 cents an hour per kid, no I do it now for free!

The work of mom and its effect on community

I just read an insightful post over at been there about a group called Moms Rising. It’s a very interesting read about how there is still discrimination against women (specifically mothers) in the work place. I don’t consider myself to be a “post-feminist”–I despise labels–but, the article speaks to me. It’s discouraging to think that employers still avoid hiring mothers because they might have to adapt to the year 2007 and be more flexible in regards to work/life balance. I’ve faced this mother/work topic time and time again for over nine years.

I was an account executive for a marketing/advertising agency when I got pregnant with my first child. I loved my job, loved the whole creative atmosphere and wanted to continue working. I stayed home for six weeks (which is pathetic compared to countries like Sweden where 18 month paid leave is the norm–yes, it isn’t the US) and went back to work. Every day was a struggle to leave my sweet little boy, More

My Parenting License Needs to be Revoked

Do you know what it feels like when the phone is ringing, the kids are screaming, the dog is barking, and the UPS man needs you to sign for a package? That is how my week has felt. My youngest, normally very compliant son is teething again, only those buzzards don’t seem to ever appear. It has been very painful — for me. Sunday he was on my lap complaining about his trouble when all of a sudden he takes a chunk out of my arm! Okay, no flesh was hanging but I have a bruise the size of a quarter above my elbow on my right, well-chiseled bicep (completely true except for the well-chiseled part). More

Who Wants to be Like Water?

I’ve been frustrated with my blogstipation today. I’ve been writing, but it hasn’t been “post-able.” I had this great humor idea, but I couldn’t get the picture to be clear enough for anyone to see — because the humor was in the visual it had to be clear or it wouldn’t have been funny. But, let me tell you, if I could have gotten it to work you would have laughed, and laughed, and laughed and — okay, at least you would have smiled or grimaced.

Before my funny attempt, I wrote two paragraphs of I-don’t-know-what. Yes, I hit the wall with a thud. My husband came to the computer in the midst of my angst, and I asked him what he wanted for dinner. He takes that to mean that I want him to make dinner; which he, of course, then interprets to mean he needs to go buy pizza. I went into the kitchen, opened the freezer and went back to my room. It seemed I was fresh out of any ideas on any thing, so I consulted a magazine I had laying around. I didn’t find any recipe ideas, but I read a great article.

The article was in Real Simple February issue (2007) and was written by Gail Blanke, a life coach. She related a story about when she was a little girl and had returned home from a birthday party crying. She was upset because a friend didn’t like her. Her mom told her that the only thing everyone likes is water — because it has no taste. She then asked Gail if she wanted to be like water just so everyone would like her.

A very simple concept I know, but it really hit home to me. I am new with this blog stuff and love that I am writing consistently again. However, I am also very competitive and a perfectionist (which is why writers so often drink heavily and use chemical stimulants) and want my blog to get tons of traffic. I often read different “experts” on blogging and sometimes implement their suggestions. Sometimes I feel like water (only no one needs me to sustain life) trying to please all the potential readers instead of being myself.

Who am I? I’m a little bit country, I’m a little bit rock n roll — oh, no, that was Donny and Marie. I’m a humor writer because that is how I view the world. I also find such enjoyment just out of encouraging and motivating people; sometimes that works through humor and other times it’s in a different type of blog. So, the battle I find myself in is what kind of blog is this? Can I laugh at the world and offer advice and encouragement at the same time? Can I truly be myself in this crazy blogosphere or do I need to be water. I am not water–no way. I’m closer to a smoothie, but sometimes I’m a soothing cup of tea. Hopefully, I am always, a-muse-ing.

What about you? Are you being yourself and what does that look like? There is only one you and, fortunately for the world, only one me!

What you ought to know about “The Secret”

I don’t know if you have heard, but “Secret” is the word. Not talking about deodorant or the latest way to generate traffic on your blog. This is a book that has been talked about on Oprah (which means $$$ in book sales) and is also a DVD. “The Secret” is book about the “law of attraction” –if you imagine it you can get it or “attract” it.

Rhonda Byrne, the author, says that it has worked for heCover Imager by improving her vision. She is 55 and formerly wore reading glasses. She says that she closed her eyes and imagined not needing glasses and in “three days” she didn’t need her glasses anymore. (People, February 19)   

The DVD is supposed to be better than the book, and very inspiring. Inspiring in that it encourages you to set goals and determine to achieve them. It also takes a look at some very intelligent people (like Einstein) who supposedly knew this secret and kept it a secret.

As with so many things,there is an element of truth in the book/DVD. You will have a better chance of achieving your goals if you:

1. Have a goal

2. Are determined to reach that goal

I think “The Secret” that many people know is that anything worthwhile usually takes determination and hard work. The book is popular because people want to believe life has an easy formula–we think and it happens. This starts to break down when you consider people in South Africa dying with AIDS or victims of Katrina. Did they not think positively enough? They couldn’t control what happened to them, but they can control how they face life now.

I tried to imagine that my teeth didn’t need any more dental work, but I still need to go to the dentist. Now if I imagined I didn’t need dental work when I was 10 years old and had a goal to stop eating candy and brushed my teeth more — I would have nicer teeth now!

There is much to say about having a positive attitude and facing obstacles with a great outlook. Most of my posts are intended to make you smile or laugh. Why? Because, I believe, unlike the book, I can’t control my circumstances all of the time, but I can control my attitude. I can get angry and upset every time something horrible happens, or I can pick myself up and laugh. Sometimes the laughter takes a long time, but it will surface, it always does. I would like to do more than just make you laugh; hopefully I make you think a bit too. But, if all I do is give you a smile–I could think of worse things to do with my time.

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