Our Humbling Hour of Fame

I changed my clothes at least 50 times that day. I heard that the camera puts on 10 pounds and already felt as though I was carrying an extra 10 pounds. Oh vanity, I even put on some make-up and worked on poses that would reduce my double chin. I actually have no neck. All my life I was cursed with a profile that has a chin that slides into an area where a neck would normally go. I always dreamed of a  slender and elegant long neck. Oh well, back to my story about myself. So I worked hard to try to appear like I wasn’t trying to look good on television. I also didn’t want to look like I spent all day trying to write words for $ while chasing my 2 year old around the house, and breaking up the arguments of my other two precious kids.

It all started, you see, when my husband and I tried to schedule some movers for our big move to the country. We had a few communication problems. My husband and I having misunderstandings is quite unusual. You see, when your personalities are the opposite you tend to see things the same way, and don’t have to talk through things (right). So, I thought he was checking out the movers, he thought I was checking out the movers, and then next thing we know, we are standing outside arguing with some idiot on the phone about not paying seven times the moving quote we were given to get our stuff into our house.

I can laugh about it now–well, sometimes. However, when you are helpless and all your belongings are locked up in a truck and a man is telling you to pay almost $5,000 to get it out, well, things aren’t so funny then. So, here is the link to our family’s moment on television, where we show the world (okay, mostly Fresno, and really just those few viewers that happened to be watching the show) that we are suckers, idiots, fill in the blank. I can’t link directly to the video, here is the link to the page and you need to click on the video link under “CBS Investigates: Moving Scams” and you will see me and my family. Also, please read this article I wrote on how to prevent this nightmare from happening to you–being scammed is actually easier than you might think!

the replacements

We’ve been replaced already. We are moving next week and our apartment complex has already found our replacements. We went down to the pool yesterday and met them. Three kids, two boys and one girl and the youngest is 2-years-old, has the same color hair color as my almost-2-year-old, and has the same name. It was a bit weird when I heard the other mother call their little one “Wilberforce” — I didn’t think it was such a common name.

They were better looking than us too. They even looked like they had some money. It was like the new improved version of our family. Younger (well, two of the kids were), tan and sweet. Also, I bet she writes and actually makes money doing it.

So we move in a week and apparently the apartment community will make it without us. They won’t even know we’ve left. They have the new, improved rjlight family and we will just move on.

Pharmacy thoughts

Yesterday, it was a blistering 150 degrees and I had to run over to the pharmacy after picking up my kids from school. I parked in the shade and asked my kids if they wanted to run in with me or stay in the car. They unanimously said they wanted to stay in the car (well, my toddler didn’t really have a vote) so I ran into the pharmacy.

The longest time it has ever taken me to pick up my prescription was maybe 2 minutes. But yesterday there were people everywhere. I don’t know if it was national drug day or overstock clearance or what, but I’ve never seen so many people spending good money on hallucinogenics outside of Amsterdam.

So I’m waiting in line, and I remember that it’s 150 degrees outside and my kids are in the car. All these thoughts are flying through my empty head.

I parked in the shade, but what if my kids brains are frying in this heat?

My oldest is smart enough to open the door if it gets hot, right?

Get off the cell phone already! Oh please keep talking right in my ear — haven’t you heard of personal space?

I’m going to jail for leaving my kids in the car, what was I thinking?

Margarita? That guy just asked for a margarita? You get these here too?

How much medicine could she be buying? Does she need a shopping cart?

That old man is going to get in front of me. Yeah, he can’t walk so well, but he could sit down and wait. He has a walker to lean on too — I don’t. How horrible of me to think that? How selfish I am! 

My kids are still in the car. I need to get out of here — my kids! I can hear their brains sizzling.

It’s so hot! Perfect day for ice cream. Man, I still haven’t gotten Baskin Robbins Chocolate with Peanut Butter ice cream. I’ve been back in the states for 9 months too!

Ice cream would be so good. I wonder what’s on tv tonight. Oh summertime—repeats. Nothing good.

Oh, look at her sandals! Those sandals are so cute! Where did she get those?

Hurry up! Just pay for the medicine and figure out how to use it later!

Calm down. The kids are fine. Just relax.

It’s almost my turn! Uh-huh, yeah. Uh-huh.

Here’s my card, here’s the money. Hurry, up. Can’t you find it? Come on, I called 5 days ago. I wonder what it would be like to be a pharmacist. Why do they need so much training? Don’t you just count pills and explain drug stuff. How hard is that really? I could do that. I wouldn’t want to do that, would I? Probably pays well. Boring job though. Did I hear a siren? They’re coming to take my kids away from me! Hurry, lady, any drug will do!

Finally!

My kids were fine when I got back into the car with my drugs. I wasn’t arrested, and my son said, “Hot? It wasn’t hot in here, mom. We’re in the shade!” They had a blast playing with their water bottles. My son was thrilled with his “world record” time of 11 seconds balancing the bottle on his head. And I had been worried.

Matrimonial Salon Duty

We are trying to save money. We are in the bay area of California and are trying to save money. That was one of the funniest things I’ve ever written! Anyway, I do like to enhance my natural blond hair with a some of the blond that faded away with experience, stress and childbearing.

In Spain it was cheaper to get my hair highlighted than it is here. There was a price to pay though. I had to sit through a lecture or two about child rearing or any number of things.

When I first moved to Spain and was just learning to communicate I had a hairstylist that kept a cigarette hanging out of his mouth as he cut my hair. I never wanted him to highlight my hair for fear that my hair would ignite. He knew how to cut my hair though so I continued going to him for awhile and came home from every appointment with that nice Camel-Shampoo freshness.

When we moved into a new town I found a new hairstylist. She was very good at what she did, but her mother always had to give me a lecture about something. My hairstylist loved to listen to American music and asked me to translate the lyrics all of the time. Every visit was amusing or annoying. I don’t like to talk when I get my hair done. I like to relax and that didn’t happen in the salon in Spain. They did a great job, but it wasn’t relaxing.

The first time I went to my last hairstylist I had just gotten back from being in the states for awhile. I was trying to save money and had asked my husband if he would highlight my hair. He was very thorough with the highlights. Do you remember how the angel’s head would light up on that old Touched by An Angel tv show? Well, that’s what I looked like all the time. I scared people when I walked into a room. Anyway, when I went back to Spain the hairstylist asked what happened to me. I explained and got a huge lecture. Her mother said that it wasn’t my husband’s fault my hair looked like that; it was my fault for being so stupid and letting him touch it!

So, I let her enhance my hair until I moved back to California. That’s when I went to the hair beautify aisle at the store and bought the box. I carefully put it in the bathroom and begged my husband to try again. He reluctantly agreed to give it another try–commending me for my thriftiness.

I quietly sat still as my husband expertly embellished my hair. Well, no, I whined and begged him to do a good job. Reminded him of his children I birthed, and watched his every move. After he was done I reminded myself that I like the color orange and that hair grows back.

My hair didn’t fall out at the shampoo stage so it’s now for the mirror-test. Well, um, money saved $130 (less money for a hat). Bonding time with my husband–priceless.

“We” are pregnant?

No, I’m not pregnant and my husband is not pregnant. As a matter of fact my husband has never been pregnant. I just want to make it very clear “we” cannot be pregnant unless the “we” is two women. To be pregnant is to carry a fetus. At this time in history men cannot carry fetusus (I so wanted to say feti) maybe when we get the cow to jump over the moon men will carry fetusus. “We” cannot carry the fetus, “we” cannot feel the contractions, “we” cannot push the baby out and “we” cannot breastfeed.

Now I don’t know how this got started. Did it start with that 1994 Junior movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger in his pre-governator days? Did people really think that carrying the fetus was a shared experience after watching that movie? Did some man decide that the woman was getting too much attention so he decided to say that “we” were pregnant? I don’t know but “we” can make a baby and we can expect a baby to come, however, “we”cannot be pregnant.

Now, if when people are saying that “we” are pregnant as in we are “abounding in fancy, wit or resourcefulness” then that is correct. I don’t, however, think that is what people are meaning to say unless it is a coincidence that she happens to be carrying a fetus at the same time she and her husband are pregnant as in “abounding in fancy, wit or resourcefulness.” I do have to say my husband and I have been in that situation three times — “abounding in …. ” while I was pregnant.

Last night as I was ranting about the “we” pregnant thing to my husband he mentioned that royalty could say “we are pregnant”  as in the royal we. Because the royal crown is considered to belong to the people, apparently, when royalty gets pregnant it’s the whole country carrying the fetus.  Okay, I’ll let all of England carry those royal babies, but here in the US can “we” stop being pregnant? We are done with this post now. We are going to get something to eat.

the flavor is not just one…

Okay, I am going away from Ben & Jerry today to tell you people in the Mass. area about some new ice cream place. I really know nothing about it because I live in California and have never had the priveledge to check out Massachu– crap, I can’t even spell it.  I got a hit from this website and since they expressed such good taste in using their blog to promote ice cream I thought I would help them out. Since I know of 0 of my readers who live in Massachu— I don’t know if my blog will do anything. But it sounds really yummy with flavors such as Black Raspberry, Maple Walnut, White Chocolate Kahlua with Oreos, Coffee, Butter Pecan — YUM! I’m there if I could be there but I am in California and am not going to Massachu–so I’m not really there.

I must admit I am getting a bit disappointed with Ben & Jerry. I have been promoting them for about five months now and they haven’t sent me any advertising money. Sure we didn’t have any agreement or anything, but you’d still think they’d drop me a little check. Let see, with my readership, and if you figure out of that 5% have gone out and bought Ben & Jerry’s just from my constant reminder I’ve brought in an extra $20 revenue for them! Ben & Jerry, dudes, what’s up?????

Renting in California

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